Everybody needs a mentor, a trusted adult, to talk with about life's difficulties, Tom Thalen, an anti-bullying expert from Michigan told a group of sixth-graders at a youth conference at Genesee Community College on Tuesday.
True, most bullying takes place in middle school, but even 15 percent of 12th-graders report being bullied on a regular basis (meaning, at least three times a month).
And nearly 15 percent of adults report being bullied at their jobs.
"Your whole life, you're going to have to deal with people who are dealing with their own hurt, who are messed up, and are going to bully you," Thelen said.
That means, we all need to learn how to control our response, remain calm, don't react in anger or hurt, don't lash out, and find a trusted adult to talk to about it. For schoolchildren, that often means reporting it to a teacher or administrator so an adult can deal with the issue.
Thelen said he was bullied as a child and was angry and sullen until he met Mrs. Burdick, a teacher who helped him learn to not let others control his thinking and his actions.
By the time he was in high school, he recognized bullying for what it is -- it's not teasing, it's not a joke, it's something meant to humiliate another person that attacks their identity -- and he learned to control his response.
He also learned to help protect other students from bullying.
He recalled an incident in high school when he was standing in line at lunch in the cafeteria and two boys started making comments to a girl who was new to the school about the food she was putting on her plate.
"Take an extra dessert," they said.
They made similar comments about the types and amount of food on her plate. You know what they were getting at.
Thelen did nothing that day but he said it bothered him.
Then it happened the next day. And still, he did nothing.
That night, he looked at himself in the mirror, angry at himself, and became determined not to let it happen again.
When it happened again, he gently but firmly said, "Hey, guys, cut it out."
Years later, he got a note on Facebook from that girl praising him for being an inspiration and good example to his classmates. He was confused at first. He didn't immediately think of that incident. Then when he realized who she was -- the new girl, the girl who didn't know the old Tom, the Tom who was angry and sullen, only the Tom who was going through the process of being a better human being -- only then did he understand who it was she remembered.
She remembered the guy who stood up for her. And, he understood, it made a difference.
"I can’t change the rest of the world," Thelen told the sixth-graders. "I can't change what people do. But I can change what I do. You deserve to live an emotionally intelligent life."
